3 years ago today, Carson was born. This was when our lives changed and on the outlook on life changed. Giving birth should be one of your happiest days of life. Mine was a nightmare. The labor was fast and short. Started with my water breaking at home and ending 2.5 hours later after a natural labor/delivery. The labor part was easy and relatively painless, I kid you not. It was a pure dream labor. Only pain I felt was delivering. More pain than normal since he decided he wanted to have his arm/hand next to his face when being born. When he was born we had a shock, everyone in the delivery room did too. He was born with one of his arms missing below the elbow. All I could remember is just staring at his 'arm' and blinking and looking at it to see if I dreamt it or not. No, his arm was still like that. My heart sank, my happiest day turned into a nightmare. I didn't give birth to a 'normal' looking child, I delivered a 'dis'abled child. Soon after we were bombarded with info and appts and xrays. The dr sent my placenta off to be examined for amniotic bands, which there were none of. The dr went back and check on the u/s pics, nothing showed. It just happened and no one knows why...Congenital. From then on I put on a 'happy and nothings wrong' face. I was crying and screaming on the inside but was too stubborn to show what I was feeling. I didn't want to feel defeated. Only place that I showed feelings were in mwhen I took baths and at night when I quietly cried myself to sleep everynight. I pleaded with God to wake me up from ths nightmare. I just looked at his future 'dis'abilites instead of his abilities. I had so much anger towards Carson, myself, and God. It didn't help that Carson had BAD reflux, colic, had a horrible sounding cry, and hated to sleep. I didn't want to be with Carson at all. The first 5 months of Carson's life was a blurr. Pictures don't do justice. And it kills me that I can't remember. All I want to do is to go back and change the way I thought and felt. All of his 'dis'abilites that I thought of back them....are his abilities now. There is not one thing that he can't do. He is my Knight in shining armor. Wouldn't change a thing.
Happy 3rd Birthday Carson. Hope all your wishes and dreams come true. Love ya punks!
Happy 3rd Birthday Carson. Hope all your wishes and dreams come true. Love ya punks!
2 comments:
This so makes me want to cry. I never knew that was how you felt. I'm so glad that Carson has proven you wrong with his 'dis'ability. I don't think that I could even imagine a better Carson than the one you got. He is definately a little blessing with a smile that is extremely contagious!!!
Yeah, I kept that 'Im okay' face on until one day I woke up and everything was back to normal, and everything that happened before was all a blur. I didn't know it was a form of PPD because I thought depression=sad. I had anger and hate. I came to realize it was PPD too late, when it was gone, so I never got help. Only people that knew what I was going through was the bathroom and bathtub I cried in and my friends on a message board Ive been with since 2003. I didn't want to hear any advice, didn't want no help from family and friends. Didn't want to feel defeated as a mom and have that label put on me.
Post a Comment