Happy New Year!

Even tho the last couple of months of 2009 were challenging to say the least, the last 10 years have been the best years of my life. 10 years ago... I wasn't engaged or married (dating Brandon tho), had no kids, was a soon-to-be college grad, and living at home with my parents. Now it been 7-8 years of marriage with 3 kids. Can't wait for what is in store for the next 10 years. Heres to a blessed 2010!

Breast Update

Its all good, its all good, its all good. Found out its a 1-2mm diameter debris in a duct. If it does grow, its called a Breast Duct Papilloma, which are all most begnin. I go back in 6 months. Ive never been so scared in my life and now feel what Brandon felt when he was going through the same tests but found out differently. I have yet again a new apreciation for life. No breakfast, lunch/brunch dates in the chemo room....not that he wouldnt mind the company, but life isn't that unfair. *hopefully*

When the dr came in with scrubs (like he was ready for surgery), I almost had a heart attack. Then he delivered the good news and I thanked him (and the ultrasound lady) more than a million times telling them both what we are going through with Brandon. We all couldn't imagine what it would be like with us both going through treatments. That would have been aweful and not deserving.

Cycle #2 starts and...a health concern for Rachel

The only good news to come out of this post is that Brandon started his Second Cycle today and that the blood draws say that the chemo is working. Numbers are GREAT!
Unfortunately now the incredible...are you KIDDING me news.....Today I woke up with a painful swollen breast. Sounds familiar as this is the way Brandon's started. Of course when I got that feeling I did a self exam and found a lump. Later in the afternoon, once Brandon got done with his treatment, I went in and got checked over and got questioned with questions. He said it definately wasn't an infection and that I needed a breast ultrasound and a possible biopsy. So tomorrow I go in for that. Luckily they can do both together since they have a dr in that can when you are in for the ultrasound. We hope the outcome is different than Brandon's. We seriously can't handle another serious health problem and emotions are really flying high. Weve made tons of lemonade and even hard alcoholic lemonade from lemons that life has thrown us. We've ran dry. So if God does make miracles, we need one N-O-W.
PRAYERS PRAYERS PRAYERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Potty Training in full swing...at 18 months?!

So Kianna has decided on her own that it was time to potty train. WHAT?! Potty Train already...YES indeed. Were not used to this early stuff. Carson was just trained this past summer. She tells/shows us and brings us to the bathroom, instead of us doing that like we did with the boys. She will lift up the toilet lid, put the seat down on it. We only help her on and off, thats about it. She will wipe, take off the seat, shut the lid, and flush. She is really enjoying her pink Dora Pull-Ups. No more diapers as she HATES them now. Just a couple wet pullups a day and better yet, no poopy ones....haven't had one of those in 4 days.

The way were going, I see cute big girl underwear for (or even by) her 2nd birthday in late May. Sad but proud. How much we try to keep our baby girl a baby, she just doesn't want to.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

The wait is over....the hair is gone :( It started to fall out this evening so we shaved it completely off. We had to explain to the boys why his hair was falling out, so we had a shaving party. The boys declined to have their heads shaved tho, and Kianna...NO WAY. As for me....some part of me is wanting to, so we'll see.

We are 1/3 of the way through chemo. Cycle #1 is COMPLETELY done! And December 28th will be the start of Cycle #2.

FIGHT, CONQUOR, DEFEAT!

One month ago today....

Exactly one month ago today we learned of the high probability of Brandon having cancer. November 11th-the 13th were the longest, yet fastest, days of our lives...full of denial and emotion. No one should ever go through it. The world slowed, pulsated and stopped. Then turned upside down, and everything kept coming and going, rising and falling. Worlds worst rollercoaster...which does get better and eventually end, but you have a few hills to pass over first. TEST, CONQUOR, DEFEAT!

Cycle #1, week #1 and #2 are DONE! He is going great. Back to work and feeling good. I have to remind him that he isn't "normal" (can't think of the word Im trying to think of) and is in a special group now and that he just can't go full throttle into everything anymore, like he wants and fights about, even when you are feeling good...such a work-a-holic. Having a good constant energy level is the key to feeling good constantly. If you break it, you break too...and everyone around you feels the cracks and crumbles. He is lucky that Im not a real nurse, hahaha!

Only 1 treatment left (Tuesday) before the start of cycle #2 starts (New Years week). They gave him a week off for Christmas, mainly because no one would be around.

Cycle #1, Week #1...D-O-N-E!

The hardest week of daily doses of Chemo is done. We are now entering the once a week treatments for 2 weeks. Tuesday is the day, and the day we see how the chemo is doing for him (his numbers). Is it too much to ask for the numbers be perfect, no signs what-so-ever, and to have everything clear looking so we can stop....probably. But its our only wish we want...couldn't ask for more. After the once a week treatments for 2 weeks are done, he gets a break for Christmas. Then when that is over, he starts all over with the start of cycle #2.

He has been doing well with the treatments. The Chemo is catching up with him as he is VERY tired. Still has a very sensitive sense of smell which is not making him eat hardly anything. In fact, Im making him get some anti-nausea pills (if he remembers or else Ill call and ask the dr for him) so he can at least eat more than crackers and Fruit Loops. Its something, which IS good, but that itself doesn't help with the energy level and his regular health.

***Phone calls***
We are happy and do appreciate all of the DAILY phone calls, wondering how he is doing...being concerned, that we are getting from family....but its becoming too much. We need space and peace from what is going on. We'd like a few evenings together as family without interruptions, enjoying it without thinking what he is going though. Its still fresh and new on our minds. Everything went fast that we missed our normal family time. We want to go back to our normal routines and not being reminded of his illness and treatments DAILY by the answering the same questions over and over again, NOTHING HAS CHANGED! From now on, we've decided that we will let people know if anything changes or happens. AND don't worry if we don't answer the phone or don't call back if we missed any call(s)...NOTHING IS WRONG! And please don't keep calling, or call the cells, or call the next morning asking/wondering. That just irks us more, very uncalled for. We just need space and peace. Hope everyone understands. This doesn't mean not to call at all, do. Maybe every OTHER day. Just NOT DAILY please. But what you CAN DO DAILY is to keep those thoughts and prayers coming, but not through phone calls, through God. Thank you!

Chemo day 1

Brandon had his first session today. He had a little reaction to a drug at first but after awhile of rest, things went smoothly. Later in the day he became nauseated and sick, but thats normal. He is kinda learning what its like to be in the first trimester...smell sensitivity, snacking throughout the day instead of meals, up the fluid intake, trying to keep something in your stomach, and the neasea/vomitting. He learned pizza and english muffins are a NO-GO! So its looking pretty good for getting an anti-nausea med for him on top of the anti-nausea med that they administer there with the chemo.
Now its Tuesday-Friday....peronally not looking forward to it since he is already feeling the effects of it. Need to keep eyes what is at the end.

We also had 'the talk' with the boys since Isaac seemed a bit scared the first time he got sick. Reminded the boys that its the medicine that is causing him to be sick and the medicine will help daddy too to fight of the 'illness'. And not to be scared and you won't get sick. Also to be good and listen to mommy. Isaac gets it (still seems a bit scared and emotional) but Carson and Kianna don't. Its going to be a VERY rough and tough time. Hope I can make it though....Im barely hanging on the first day.

When we were there, in came an old man telling the nurses that he won't be coming anymore because there is nothing more the drs can do. I just about broke down hearing that and seeing the hugs. Such a support system they have there. When they were taking out his IV thing, he told Brandon that he is way too young to be there....agreed. He seemed to be a sweet humorous man by the conversations heard. I wish him well.
We also talked with a lady that works with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law who was a great talkative bubbly lady and also an old lady who is really nice and talkative too. I wish those ladies well too. Sad to say that there is many people having Chemo done (was quite full today).

Oncologist Appt

Monday, November 30th, at 9am, we start the hardest journey in life, chemo (by IV which will take 2 hours). 3 cycles, each cycle is 3 weeks. The first week will consist of chemo Monday through Friday. Then the next week (week 2) and the week after that (week 3), is only once per week. Then once that (cycle #1) is done, we start all over for the next cycle (#2) and so on (#3). 9 weeks of mostly constant chemo treatments. With the holidays coming, there will be a delay, or resting period...which is fine with us since we picked the sooner date to start than the later, which would have been early December. Sooner the better!

With the chemicals they have now and getting anti-nausea drugs in the IV, there are minimal side effects, which is good. Effects vary much... from nausea to nerve damage and to a rare 1 in a million chance of having a stroke. So we will see when time comes. I hope it isn't too bad for him, hate seeing people sick and in pain. Oh yea, hair loss won't be an issue since he is almost already there with his buzz cuts, LOL.

Just keeping our eyes on the 80-90% CURE rate. BE GONE!!!!!

A Bump in the Road (that we WILL get over)

Its official....Stage 2 Non-Seminole Testicular Cancer. Non-Seminole is good news, the good type of this cancer, VERY much treatable, 90%. Bad news is that it has started to spread to his abdomin, 2 spots next to eachother, 1cm each, between the front and back intestines. That means 3 rounds/cycles of Chemo. We get to meet his onocolgist Tuesday to talk about all of this.

Story...
It all started last week, Wednesday, when he noticed his right testicle swollen and painful. He went in to the dr and they thought an infection but sent his to get an u/s to check on it. Later that day we got a call back saying they found a mass. The world had stopped for us. Then the next day, Thursday, he got a CT done and found the same result but with 2 lymph nodes in his abdomin. The world then turned upside down. With that said, the following day, Friday, he went into surgery to remove his right testicle. So much to take in, in just 3 days. Yesterday we got the results back, which I provided the above and bring us up to today.

On a side note to this is that he got a clean bill of health at his yearly physical in Sept. We just don't get it. How? Why? Was there ANY clue?

By the way, for those of you thinking about children....Good thing is that we were already done with having kids since he had a V done over a year go. I can't imagine what it would be like if we started having kids later and weren't done or haven't even started at all.

Isaac's off to Kindergarten!

Thought Id finally get back to here.

This past Sept Isaac started Kindergarten. He very much likes it and thinks HIGHLY of his teacher. A week ago we got his first of many report cards. He is doing fantastic. Our refridge is never without anything on it now.

New arm soon...and other news (possible leg legthening)

Carson will be getting a whole new arm soon (Sept 1st). This one will have cables so that he can open/close things using shoulder movements. He is excited as we are.

Other news...Carson's leg might need to be lengthened. Weve just noticed how bad it is. When standing straight he needs one leg bent, or when he walks he will tippie toe the shortest leg or just limp. His one knee is above the other when comparing the legs.
Way back when he was a baby we had his leg x-rayed since we then noticed his leg was a little smaller than the other. It was no biggie since we all thought it would correct itself. So at the end of Sept, he will be getting his leg re-evaluated. But I can see surgery, braces and casts in the near future. Poor lil guy.

We were hoping to get him in when we pick up his new arm but the dr will not be in then...so we must wait til the end of Sept.

Sparkley Ears...x2

This past weekend we took Kianna to get her ears pierced. She did great despite the gun getting stuck on the first try. The gal who did it needed to take the gun apart to get it unstuck from the earring, after a awhile of pulling and twisting/turning. Kianna did not move around, no hands wailing, no head shaking...just sat scared crying...broke my heart. After the lady got the gun off the earring, she stopped crying, only wimpers. The second ear went good, thank God. After all was done, she got a sucker, which made her a happy camper. And since I didn't like seeing her in pain and felt bad that the first time went horribly wrong, I got mine done again, a second hole (with no gun problems).

My Diagnosis, Part 1

I have been plagued by vertigo and motion sickness for quite some time and has been progressing quite greatly. Its sad when the furthest you can go is 18 miles without stopping, giving me a break. Also at times I can't even go over 20mph without the spinning starts. Going to the dentist is nearly impossible along with elevators or even laying flat, looking up or bending over. Also loud noises such as music and crowds, and moving bright lights cause spinning. So I finally gave in and talked to the dr about it at my yearly appt earlier in the week. So the dr gave me a referral to the Hearing and Balance Center and had an appt today. After some tests using special goggles and being in different positions I have a diagnosis.....BPPV and migraine-related (silent) vertigo. Its normally found in people 50 and over. So Im a rarity of having both. Some crystals in my inner ear has gotten loose causing false movement/spinning. So after 1-3 treatments Ill (hopefully) have a 90% success rate. Treatments are having my head turn at a 45* angle to the right side, going down/lying on my right side for a few seconds keeping my head at a 45* angle, then going over to my left side, keeping the head at the same 45*. She then shakes my head for a few seconds then gives my right ear some vibrations to help the crystals move back to their normal place. She does this a couple to a few times. BUT that is only for the BPPV part, not the silent migraine-related part. Ill have more extensive testing done at the end of the month (indepth ear and eye exams and possible MRI/CT scans in the future to rule out if anything else is related to it). Once I get further tests on the silent migraine part, Ill explain everything about that more. Thats another serious issue that have been bothering/worrying me. But driving long distance or being on a jet plane could have caused some serious damage to myself (blacking out-which almost happened already, and being unconcious). Luckily I have been avioding trips since I know it would have been impossible and never have gotten to the destination. Since Ive had it for decades (been keeping everything to myself since some people have assuming opinions), its pretty serious. If the treatments don't work, I may need surgery.
So now I have to sleep at a 45* angle for 2 nights. After the 2 nights are up, I can return to bed and lay ONLY on my left side (right ear is the effected ear). I also can't tilt my head back for a week or bend over for a week. So there goes my chiro appts for awhile but those can wait. This can't.

Out of Commission

My back went out Monday while getting Kianna ready. The pain was worse than labor, I kid you not. It was hard to breathe and talk. Something snapped and I went down. I called Brandon in tears while laying on the ground in pain in Kiannas room. Couldn't even stand, I crawled, which was the only way I could get around, and even that made me tear up in pain. I was flat on the living room floor, still in tears, when he got here.... Turns out I have a bulging disc in my back and can't lift Kianna what-so-ever. I can't sit what-so-ever. I even have to eat standing. No warm or hot baths either. I CAN stand, walk, lean against the wall, and lay down. I have to ice and take these inflamation pills every hour and wear a back support wrap thing all day long. I got 2 treatments at the chiro, one that morning and one later on that same day. The second time she did some adjusting along with the electrodes.
During the night, I woke up at 2am and again at 3am in pain. I took some Advil and iced it some and that seemed to work. I was fine/okay during the day today but this evening its starting to hurt again. I have a chiro appt tomorrow, cant wait.

Happy FIRST Birthday Kianna!

Has it been a year, 12 months, 365 days, since she came into this world. Can't be, but it sure is. She is not a newborn, a baby or an infant anymore. Shes a TODDLER *sniff sniff*. Time does fly, where does it go I have no idea, but Im afraid to blink cause Ill miss something happening.

We had her party this past Sat, the 23rd. Gorgeous weather. Yummy food. Great day in all. Couldn't ask for a better day.

Oh yea, the pictures are still in my camera so hopefuly this week we'll load them up.

Happy Birthday Kianna and I hope you enjoyed your party (to which I know you did) and that you had a great birthday on your birthday. Hugs and Kisses forever!

Off with the Training Wheels

Today we took off the training wheels on Isaac's bike. It took him a few tries before he got it down. He didn't want daddy to help him, only mommy. He said dad doesn't do it right, lol. He was so happy and proud of himself and doesn't want those "baby" wheels back on. It seems like yesterday we got him his very first bike and tricycle and now he's riding a bike like the big kids. Awesome job Peanut!

Isaac's first Dental Appt

Tuesday was Isaac's dentist appt....his first one. He was so excited. He wasn't worried or scared at all. He had fun. His favorite part was the water and suction tools. They said he has some good lookin' teeth and everything looked perfect. Of course he got some toys and his little baggy that had a new tooth brush, new tooth paste, and floss. That whole day he wouldnt let go of that baggy of things and showed everyone his clean teeth. He still is holding his baggy today, lol.
He goes back in mid October, with Carson (which will be his first time). I took a gamble since Oct is Carson's month of being hospitalized. Can we make 3 years in a row....we shall see.

As for me...Im next Tuesday, the 14th. Only cleaning since the dentists won't be there, just the hygentists. Exam will be another time.

Locks of Love Donation

It was that time....time to cut and donate my hair. I donated 12-13 inches to Locks of Love. It was the third time that Ive donated, and definately not my last.

Kianna's 9 month checkup

Baby girl is 20lbs 4oz (Carson was this plus at 6 months, lol) and is 29 3/4in tall. No shots since the one she would have got is now recommended at 12 months, instead of 9 months. She is one healthy and happy girl :)

And we are off

This morning Kianna took her first step. Mind you that she is only 9 months old. We knew it was soon coming since you can tell she wanted to take a step but wasnt ready when she stands by herself while we coxing her to go for it. Well this morning she braved it and went for it and succeeded.

911 Whats your Emergency?

I knew it was bound to happen sometime or another.... but tonight.... Isaac called 911. The boy was playing with the phone like usual. They were understanding. Not sure if theyll stop by but so far they haven't.

Kianna is not that far behind since one day in the past she grabbed the phone and pressed 911, but thankfully the phone wasn't on.

Good thing is that he knows how to dial it and whats its for...well kinda. He said he had learned it from school and has now learned its for only when emergencies occur, not for playing around.

Isaac's 5 yr checkup

We ventured out in the snow for Isaac's checkup. Poor thing got 4 shots but the good part of that is that he won't need anymore for a LONG time. He's doing good, same old. But we need to watch his tonsils for the next year because if they don't shrink like they normally do at this age, he will need to get them out. He has huge tonsils and they just balloon up when get gets sick. Another good part of that is the ENT is our drs son, which is neat.

Stats (she didn't write them down, so Im going from what is on the graph):
Weight: 37/38lbs
Height: 43in

Happy 5th Isaac!

Today Isaac celebrated his 5th bithday. 5 candles. We started a countdown chain a couple weeks ago and been taking one off each morning. This morning we were finally down to the last one. Everyday we also have been reminded hourly that his birthday is coming. He even went to bed early last night so that the morning would come faster. And when he woke up he said he was 5 and was time to take down the last link. All day he was waiting for his cake, which infact he doesn't like cake, but the thought of cake was cool (he wanted and got a Kung Fu Panda one). We asked him what he wished for after he blew out his candles and got...Oh dad, Oh mom. So he knew if he told us his wishes, they wouldn't come true. Smart cookie ;)

I wasn't really ready for him to turn 5, but Im more ready for that then sending him off to school in the fall.

5 years ago I thought finally...since he was 8 days past his due date, which was my birthday. He came 1 day before his scheduled induction.
Started out around 2:30am with 2-3 min contractions from the get go. Woke me straight up making me grab my husbands hand involuntarily. No question about 'is this it'. It was definately it. And of course I hadn't pack yet (yea I know, 8 days past and not packed yet), so we had to pack during the 2-3 min contractions, which was no fun. Thank god I had a list to go by. When we arrived at the hospital, I was 6cm with buldging water. So we got right settled in. The contractions were nasty, omg deathly nasty. Ripping/Stabbing feeling all over non-stop. I was crying, screaming, and was out of control. Once I got 8cm I screamed and begged for an epi. No way in hell I was going natural. I swear I would have passed out and died if I did. They were that horrible and I still cringe today on how aweful/horrid they were. Worst contraction pains hands down of all 3 kids. They were so slow at getting the epi and I had some fine words to tell about the hospitals slowness (I now laugh at what all I said during this labor). But once I got the epi, I was in HEAVEN and even thanked the God who administered it. Instant relief. I even let my parents in that were waiting in the waiting room. We talked and laughed and watched the monitors skyrocket (didnt feel a thing) until it was time to have the baby, in which they left. After 45 min of pushing (still didn't feel anything but felt when I needed to push), out came Isaac at 7:45am (actually/technically 7:44 but they asked if they could round up since the minute was almost over). 6lbs 13.5oz and 20.5in long. As soon as he was out I said I would do it again in an instant....but I think the epi was still talking and I was riding high on the adrenalin rush....But yes we did it again (Carson, 23 months later)...and one last time (Kianna, 4 years later).

Side note...Isaac was born in the old part of the hospital, which is now gone. It is now a parking lot.

Our lil stander

We've got a STANDER

Well Kianna acheived another milestone. She can stand on her own for a good 5-10 seconds. You can even tell that she wants to step forward but won't yet. You can see it in her eyes that she really wants to tho. Im afraid my baby will be walking soon. She is growing up too fast right before my eyes. I still blame her brothers for the early stuff. This summer will be interesting to say the least.

On another note...I became a victim to the slippery ice/snow this morning. I fell and injured my shoulder while on my way to get the mail. At least its my left side and not my main right side.

Carson's 3 yr Checkup

Carson weighs 32lbs (probably more since he was leaning against the wall) and is 37 inches tall. He got his hearing and vision tested and passed. No shots either since he is all up to date. And he also received a book too.

The highlight of the appt......Carson lived up to his comic status by answering a first for the dr while getting checked out. The dr asked him if he had Cheerios in his belly. He said no. Then he asked then what do you have in your belly. He said.....wait for it......POOP! Only Carson would think of that. It cracked us all up and the dr said that it was a first, he never heard of that as an answer. And you know what...its true. I couldn't be more prouder of him.

Sunset

Last night there was an amazing sunset. It illuminated the whole sky with its vibrant colors. Very magical, worth taking a picture of.

Missing Parts

This is another poem that someone recently shared....

Missing Parts by Kris Heims
God looked down, another child complete,
A smile so perfect, a temper so sweet.
But baby looked and some parts were gone,
Did God mess up and make me wrong?
God just looked at this perfect child,
He explained Himself as He just smiled.
"If I'd taken time to make that part,
you wouldn't be such a work of art."
I would not have had time to make that smile,
To list your talents would last a mile.
Your sense of humor, that belly laugh,
Where are these parts, you have to ask?
You are so lucky, these gifts of gold,
Those missing parts are mine to hold.
Forever they'll be, close to my heart,
So as you live, we are never apart.
Each time I move, you'll be on my mind,
You special child, you are quite the find!
So do not miss that part, you see,
It will always be safe and sound with me."

Welcome to Holland

This poem was my savior.....

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
byEmily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Happy 3rd Carson

3 years ago today, Carson was born. This was when our lives changed and on the outlook on life changed. Giving birth should be one of your happiest days of life. Mine was a nightmare. The labor was fast and short. Started with my water breaking at home and ending 2.5 hours later after a natural labor/delivery. The labor part was easy and relatively painless, I kid you not. It was a pure dream labor. Only pain I felt was delivering. More pain than normal since he decided he wanted to have his arm/hand next to his face when being born. When he was born we had a shock, everyone in the delivery room did too. He was born with one of his arms missing below the elbow. All I could remember is just staring at his 'arm' and blinking and looking at it to see if I dreamt it or not. No, his arm was still like that. My heart sank, my happiest day turned into a nightmare. I didn't give birth to a 'normal' looking child, I delivered a 'dis'abled child. Soon after we were bombarded with info and appts and xrays. The dr sent my placenta off to be examined for amniotic bands, which there were none of. The dr went back and check on the u/s pics, nothing showed. It just happened and no one knows why...Congenital. From then on I put on a 'happy and nothings wrong' face. I was crying and screaming on the inside but was too stubborn to show what I was feeling. I didn't want to feel defeated. Only place that I showed feelings were in mwhen I took baths and at night when I quietly cried myself to sleep everynight. I pleaded with God to wake me up from ths nightmare. I just looked at his future 'dis'abilites instead of his abilities. I had so much anger towards Carson, myself, and God. It didn't help that Carson had BAD reflux, colic, had a horrible sounding cry, and hated to sleep. I didn't want to be with Carson at all. The first 5 months of Carson's life was a blurr. Pictures don't do justice. And it kills me that I can't remember. All I want to do is to go back and change the way I thought and felt. All of his 'dis'abilites that I thought of back them....are his abilities now. There is not one thing that he can't do. He is my Knight in shining armor. Wouldn't change a thing.

Happy 3rd Birthday Carson. Hope all your wishes and dreams come true. Love ya punks!

Tooth #2

A couple days ago, another tooth broke through. Her bottom right. Now she has both bottom left and right now.
And Im getting extra exercise in from the adventurous Kianna, the pulling up queen which makes everything game, and the fastest crawler in the Midwest.

One last note....nightlights are weapons. Just ask Isaac, he'll show you proof.

Pulling up... in motion

The top 3 pictures are from today. And the bottom 2 are from yesterday, her first time pulling up.

2 days of milestones

Its been a big 2 days here.....Kianna has been talking (dada and lala,... over and over again-so cute) and she is pulling herself up to things (got in-motion pics but still in camera). No wonder she has been a pill right before this happened. And I noticed her crawling is now starting to look kinda like crab walking. Also I think she grew over night too. She looks bigger today than yesterday (taller and her hands bigger).
I think I can't take anymore of this growing up business of hers. S-l-o-w down. The only thing about her (besides more teeth) that can hurry up and grow faster, is her hair. I can't wait to start playing around with it. Other than that, stop growing.